12 songs I currently listen to on replay

No one has ever really asked me to blog about a certain thing before. That's mostly because,

1. My blog is still pretty under the radar.

and

2. I've NEVER ASKED!

So when a friend commented on my last post with a request for a future post topic I thought, "Hey! That's a great idea! And one I probably never would have thought up on my own! Yay for cool suggestions!"

So hey! All of you who read this blog! What would *you* like to read about?  It can literally be anything, be it something very specific to me and my life, or a question/thought you have about the world/life in general that you'd like me to talk about. Comment on this blog with your topic and in the words of Mr. Darcy, "I shall be happy to oblige, only tell me what you'd most like to hear."

Now, on to the requested topic: songs that I listen to on replay.

So glad you asked, Luke.  Here's my current top 12:

(P.S. - Yes, I tried to narrow it down to 10. No, I didn't succeed.)

12. "Love Is An Open Door," Disney's Frozen.

Now, before you close this tab in frustration at my supreme girly-ness and intense mainstreamity (Yes, I just made up a word), hear me out.  This song is funny, romantic, clever, and SHORT. (2:07!!) Like, I can listen to it probably 15 times in a row on my drive to work. (Not that I've actually done that or anything....)  Also, it's vocally super fun, and I geek out about Kristen Bell's masterful use of thin fold twang with thyroid tilt (aka, the Disney princess recipe), and Santino Fontana's exceptional tenor (those high notes sound like a breeze for him! I love that!!) and charm. I JUST FREAKIN' LOVE IT, OKAY??

11. "The Resistance," Josh Garrels

I have recently come to LOVE Josh Garrels' music, and this is my current stand-out favorite song of his.  The lyrics are strikingly good, and the melody haunting.  Not to mention that he is one of the only white guys I've ever heard successfully rap.  Definitely worth your time.  "How do good men become a part of a regime? They don't believe in resistance."

10. "Happy," Pharrell Williams

Discovered this super-catchy-fun tune in Despicable Me 2. It's a great "dance out all your feelings in your kitchen" kind of song. And the harmonies - UGH STOP IT. I love it.

9. "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up)," Nichole Nordeman

My mom recently made me aware of this wonderful take on the classic hymn, and I'm ever-so grateful.  This song has gotten me through many-a tear-filled drive to work, church, or school, and I love everything about it - the lyrics, the instrumentation, Nichole's vocalisms, everything.  Sometimes takes on old hymns are weird - NOT THIS ONE.  Give it a listen.  I bet it will really encourage your heart.

8. "You Make Me Feel So Young," Frank Sinatra

I'm a big-ole fan of this rat-pack classic.  And it's largely due to that one scene in "Elf" when Buddy and Jovie are ice-skating and running around the city looking at Christmas trees. It just makes my heart so happy, and while there are many cases that I prefer Michael Buble to old Blue Eyes, I have to say that in this case I prefer the original.

7. "I've Got You Under My Skin," Michael Buble

Speaking of MB, this is my favorite song of his, and one of those cases where I really do prefer the cover over the original. Though I will say this, I think one of the reasons I like it so much is because Michael has a really good idea of what "If it's not broke, don't fix it" means.  He adds just the right amount of himself without losing the integrity of the song and I so appreciate that.  And COME ON - It just so gosh-darn romantic!

6. "Undone," FFH

This song hits you right in the feels. It is so gut-wrenchingly honest and very powerfully sung, and I am constantly belting this one out in my car. So good.

5. "The House You're Building," Audrey Assad

I happened upon this album one night on iTunes and after previewing all the tracks quickly bought it. It is honest, worshipful, and different from a lot of stuff out there.  It feels a lot like the Psalms, like the way David asks a lot of questions and doesn't always have the perfect thing to say, but still trusts the Lord.  I love the whole album, but am especially fond of the title track.  How many of us feel like vagabonds sometimes, homeless strangers wandering through this life, until we are reminded that God is calling us to a home He knows we're needing?  Oh Lord, lay me in the house You're building!

4. "My Dear," Bethel Music feat. Hunter Thompson

I found this song via an adorable wedding video on Pinterest.  I've actually been finding a lot of really great music lately from artists I've never heard of before through wedding videography.  This is one of my particular favorites, and I hope to include it in my wedding someday. :)

3. "Carry My Soul," Phil Wickham

I heard this on a Christian radio station that plays more than just the top 40 (why don't more of those exist??) while driving home one night and was like, "WHAT IS THIS??? I LOVE THIS!!!"  So when I got home I googled the lyrics I had done my best to keep in my brain for the rest of my drive ("I will run, Lord, and I won't quit, chasing Your heart just like David did.") and found this beautiful song by Phil Wickham.  I ended up getting the whole album because it's just that good.  I love this song because it makes me think about where I'm really going, and spurs me on to keep running, and it also breaks my heart a little, which I've come to believe all truly worthy songs do.

2. "In The Light," Anthem Lights feat. Jamie Grace

Okay, just so we're clear, I'll always love the original, and props to DC Talk for being so cool and writing this crazy good song.  That being said, I'm currently digging this fantastic cover.  Shout out to my friend Elisa for being the one to introduce me to it!

1. "No More Faith," Andrew Peterson

While AP considers this album his underdog (you can't even get it on iTunes), I'm a huge fan, and have found so much comfort in this song - the first track on the album - as well as his amazing "Steady As She Goes," and "Mary Picked the Roses," which is the song that inspired my blog! (More about that in a another post, perhaps.) For now, I'll just let the lyrics of the bridge and final chorus speak for why I love this one so much:

So I will drive these roads in thunder and in rain
And I will sing your song at the top of my lungs
And I will praise you, Lord, in glory and in pain
And I will follow you till this race is won
And I will drive these roads till this motor won't run
And I will sing your song from sea to shining sea
And I will praise you Lord, till your kingdom comes
And I will follow where you lead

Till there's no more faith
And no more hope
I'll see your face and Lord, I'll know
When there's no more faith
And no more hope
I'll sing your praise and let them go
Cause only love
Only Your love remains
Halleluiah


What about you?  What songs can you listen to over and over again? 

Don't forget to comment with what you'd like me to blog about! :)

5 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

Hi guys! Well, it's one of my last days of break before my LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE! (Holla at yo girl.) and I think just the right time to write another blog inspired by Avoiding Atrophy. So without further adieu:

5 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

1. I hate mashed potatoes.

You know that American classic? The thing everyone eats with their meat and vegetables, and drizzles buckets of gravy over every Thanksgiving?  Yeah, I can't stand 'em. I literally think they are super gross. The taste, smell, texture - everything. Blech!  And wouldn't you know it - my entire family LOVES them.  That made for some torturous meals in my childhood.  One of the happiest days of my life (no joke) was when my mother told me I didn't have to eat mashed potatoes anymore. I was like,



2. I don't want to be famous.

Yes, I'm majoring in Music Theatre. Yes, I do shows all the time.  No, I do not want to walk into Target for hair mousse and iTunes gift cards and be recognized by everyone. And I certainly don't want people to see me on the street and go,


3. I've never had chicken pox.

Now before I say anything else, PUH-LEASE pretty PLEASE don't comment on this post all, "You are going to get it when you're 40 and DIE." or "Why didn't your mother bring you over to your friends' houses when *they* had it??" Because, 1. No I'm not. Cool your jets. And 2. Because my mother isn't an evil woman intent on me catching a really unpleasant virus THAT'S WHY.  Also, when I was like 2, I had Hand Foot Mouth, which is very similar.  Also, some people never get it. And NO I wasn't ever vaccinated. Calm down. I'll be fine. .... Really!



4. I waited until I was 18 to piece my ears.

I don't know why I wai--- okayyy that's a lie. I waited because I was a big baby. That's why. I was worried it would hurt and I would cry in front of all the 13-year-olds in Claire's and it would be embarrassing.  It ended up not hurting in the slightest, I didn't cry, and I was accompanied by my sister and some dear friends who were very supportive and only laughed a little when I requested to have both ears done at the same time.


The day I got my ears pierced. Look at smiley 18-year-old me! I apparently really liked pink. Oh wait.. I still do. :)

5. One of my dreams is to sing with a live band for someone's wedding reception.

Essentially, all I want to do is cover this album with a kick-butt jazz pianist, and an even more kick-butt tenor to sing track 5 with me.

What about you? Any fun facts about yourself you'd like the world to finally know?


P.S. For your enjoyment, I just wanted you all to know that I searched "homeschoolers" on a gif website and this was the ONLY thing that came up. Not even kidding.

21 Things I Like About Myself

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a professional singer/actress. That is, until I went to college, and learned a whole bunch about myself, including how terrible I am at/how much I HATE marketing myself.  I can’t *stand* all the hand-shaking and mingling and schmultzing it takes to make it in the business, and I have NEVER been good at walking up to someone important or even sending out an email alerting people to my cool-ness, or as Napoleon Dynamite would say “skills."



I’ve also never been great at receiving compliments.  And recently I’ve noticed how bad I am (and I mean BAD) at accepting other people’s praise.  Maybe because I think if I actually accept a compliment, it will go something like this:



So when I came across this blog post from one of my favorite blogs of all time (Avoiding Atrophy is where it’s AT) my heart just went “Eureka!! I’ve been feeling like this for YEARS!!” and I got really excited that I wasn’t the only one.



But then I got mad. Mad because this is actually a real problem in our culture today – especially among us women.  And we don’t really talk about it.  We think that accepting compliments is vain, or even rude.  We assume that if a woman is proud of her achievements and strengths, she is stuck up.



And that’s what Christy O’Shoney explains so well in the post that sparked this one.  Side note: I seriously love her and her blog.  So much so that I’m attempting to write this blog in true Avoiding
Atrophy style – complete with sparkling wit and gifs… and cats.



Ever since I stumbled upon her wedding do-over post and then found her adorable post about her having a super fun time with her super cute hubby I felt like if I knew her in real life we would be really good friends.  Maybe if I ever move to New York… But seriously – go follow her.

But I think the best part about her post was that she really hit the real heart of the problem – it’s not even so much that we’re afraid what other people think.  It’s what we think about OURSELVES.
 

So Christy set out to make a list of the things she likes about herself, and encouraged others to do the same.
 

And I thought – that's a great idea!

Recently my awesome friend Sarah challenged me to write a body love letter. She even sent me hers to encourage me.
 

But the truth is… I didn’t end up writing one – I have a tendency to avoid thinking about my body. But the idea has been on my mind ever since, and reading “10 Things I Like About Myself” really clinched it for me.

So this isn’t exactly a body love letter, but it’s similar.  And while Christy kept herself to 10 things (she could have done more – she really is that cool) I decided to just start a list and see how many I could come up with.  So here goes:

21 Things I Really Like About Me:

1. I have great hair. People tell me often. Especially my friend Elisa. It makes me happy.
2. I’m funny. I love making people laugh and have gotten pretty good at it in recent years. Especially when it's my friend Ana and I'm doing my Miranda Sings impression.



3. I love teaching.

4. I bake really great cookies. Chocolate chip is my specialty.

5. I’m a really good speller.
6. I have pretty feet. They’re small and dainty, and cute. And I like them.
7. I’m good at singing.

8. I memorize music quickly.

9. I can imitate just about anyone.  I’ve always been quite the mockingbird, and it has served me really well in my singing/theatre experiences.

10. I’m not-so-secretly great at dancing. Especially at weddings. Recently at a wedding reception the mother-of-the-bride said to me, “I love the way you move! You’ve really got it.” MADE. MY. DAY.


11. I’m good at including people.

12. I can laugh at myself.

13. I have pretty eyes. Big, brown, Disney Princess ones. Though not quite as big as hers:

14. I have good taste in television, movies, and music.


(Best. BMW episode. EVER.)
 

15. I’m good at helping people out of their comfort zones.  My silliness often encourages others to let go and let loose a bit.

 

16. I care about my family and friends deeply and do my best to love them fiercely.  When one of them gets hurt or goes through a hard time – I hurt with them.

17. I’m honest.  I’ve always been good at sharing my feelings with just about anyone - often times it’s necessary to me actually functioning as a human being (it’s an extrovert thing) - but recently I’ve felt the pull to be *really* honest.  Lose the mask.  Feel all the feelings – Even if it’s not “pretty.”

18. I’m good at striking up random conversations with random strangers in random places.  I made a woman I’ve never met before laugh in the cookware section of Kohl’s the other day.  I’m all about being silly to make a person’s day.


19. I laugh freely, and loudly. No shame.
20. I have a kick-butt Pinterest.  It’s pretty darn fabulous. Check it out.
21. I take a mean selfie.

 

Ha --- Just kidding. ;)

So… what about you?  Are you gonna make a list? :)

this

I take a deep breath.

The air around me is cold, and I'm wishing for my gloves.  I think I left them in my car.

The pathway is lined with snow, the brick under my feet speckled white.  My steps are steady and sure in my pink flowered rain boots as I make my way across campus, back towards my car.  My iPod in hand, I search for a song.  What used to be an easy choice is now an extremely hard one.  My usual go-tos are no longer an option. They take me to a place I'm trying so hard to forget - make me a girl I'm trying so desperately not to be anymore.  I can't be her.  She hurts too much.

I settle on something and keep walking. I take another deep breath and take in a feeling I'm not familiar with. It feels... new? Stark? Empty? Independent? Strong? Weak? I can't tell - but I know this feeling is struggling to feel welcome in the heart it's invaded.  Let me in, it whispers, as I turn a corner and see my car several feet ahead.

This.  This feeling.  I can't shake it, and it's starting to... define me.

Everyday I wake up to it.  Every night I try to push it out of my head as I fall asleep. This - this is what I was afraid of a long time ago, and what I hoped would never be.  Now, it is me.

It will go away, I tell myself as I drive to work, choreograph dances in my kitchen, or bring a load of laundry down to the basement.  It has to.  This can't be my life forever.  It can't.


Hold on darling.  This too shall pass.  This, too, shall pass.

***************************************************

Well it knocked me down, it dragged me out, it left me there for dead.
It took all the freedom I wanted and gave me something else instead.
It blew my mind, it bled me dry, it hit me like a long goodbye,
And nobody here knows better than I that it's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It'll fall like rain on your parade,
And laugh at the plans that you tried to make.
Wear you down until your heart just breaks
And it's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It'll wake you up in the middle of the night, it'll take just a little too much.
Burn you like a cinder till you're tender to the touch.
It'll chase you down, and swallow you whole, it'll make your blood run hot and cold.
Like a thief in the night it'll steal your soul, and that's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It'll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide,
Open the wounds that you tried to hide.
And there in the rubble of the heart that died
You'll find a good thing.
Cause love is a good thing.
Oh love is a good thing.

Ooo, take cover,
Ooo, the end is near.
Ooo, take cover,
But do not fear,
Do not fear.

Cause it'll break your will, it'll change your mind,
Loose all the chains of the ties that bind.
And if you're lucky, you'll never make it out alive, and that's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It can hurt like a blast from a hand grenade
When all that used to matter is blown away.
There in the middle of the mess it made you'll find a good thing.
Yes, it's worth every penny of the price you pay - it's a good thing.

Love is a good thing --(Ooo, take cover,)
Love is a good thing --(Ooo, the end is near,)
Oh love is a good thing --(Ooo, take cover.)
Do not fear.

~ Andrew Peterson, Love is a Good Thing

 

 

thank You for the beauty of that night

The room was dark, except for the light of a lamp on the end table next to me, and the Christmas tree by the piano.  It was very late, or rather, early, close to 4am.  The three of us were snuggled on the couch, talking and laughing, but making sure to do it quietly, as the rest of the house was asleep.  Two other sleepy girls were on the couch next to us, out like lights after a long night.

In the hours prior, we had whispered stories and shared our hearts.  We all had so much to tell, so much to share.  And in that room that night there was a trust, a safety, a refuge, a beauty that was so powerful and real that none of us ever wanted it to end.  Old friendships were deepened, new ones were formed, and a deep, earnest hope for the future was born.  And what the three of us had together, right in that moment, we imagined we would have for years and years to come.

But that wasn't what the Lord had in store.

The year we brought in together turned out to be very different than we hoped.  It was long, and hard.  All three of us faced challenges and heartache like we had never known before.  And not one of us expected any of it to happen.  In fact, if we had known that night what we would walk through together and separately in the months ahead, I don't know what we would have done.

And now, one year later, each of us are bringing in the new year at different homes with different people.  But even though we won't be together, we've all expressed the same thing to each other as this day approached - We are thankful for the beauty.  We are so grateful we had that night together.  We are different people because of it.  We are marked by the beauty it held.  We carry it with us every day.  And while we wish it could have lasted forever and we're very sad it had to go away, we will never forget it.


So thank You, Father.  Thank You for the beauty of that night.  We will never forget.

 

 

unfair

Have you ever been wronged?  Have you ever had something done to you that you didn’t deserve?  What did it feel like?  Did it hurt?  What was it that made it hurt?  Was it just the offense in and of itself?

Or was it because the way they treated you was unfair?  Did the unfairness, the knowing you didn’t deserve this, heighten the hurt and deepen the pain?

And how did you react?  Were you angry?  Did you lash out?  Did you say things you regret?  Did you live in a place of self-pity for a while? 

Or did you respond in kindness?  Did you choose to love them even when you’d been hurt?  Did you choose to forgive them even though they didn’t deserve it?

It’s hard to do, isn’t it?  To give love and forgiveness when everything inside you is broken, screaming you shouldn’t have to do this?  It doesn’t seem right.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Indeed, it is unfair.

On the other hand, have you ever wronged someone else? Have you ever done something to someone that they didn’t deserve?  What did it feel like?  Did it hurt you, too?  What was it that made it hurt? Was it just the remorse you felt about the offense in and of itself?  

Or was it because they forgave you that made it hard to deal with?  Did the unfairness, the knowing you didn’t deserve this, heighten the remorse and deepen the regret?

And how did you react?  Were you sad?  Did you run away?  Did you feel awkward and unworthy?  Did you dwell in a place of shame for a while?

Or did you respond in thankfulness?  Did you choose to accept their love even when you felt like a destroyer?  Did you choose to accept their forgiveness even though you didn’t deserve it?

It’s hard to do, isn’t it?  To accept love and forgiveness when everything inside you is broken, screaming you couldn’t possibly accept this?  It doesn’t seem right.  It doesn’t seem fair.  Indeed, it is unfair.

Forgiveness is a funny thing.  It’s hard to give and hard to accept.  Why?  Because a lot of the time, we give the love that is easy to give and accept the love we think we deserve.  I mean, let’s be honest – How often do we love when we’re scared, weary, or have been hurt?  And how often do we accept it when we’re scared, weary, or feel unworthy?

But the thing about forgiveness is, no matter whether we’re on the giving or receiving end of it, it is a choice.  We have to CHOOSE to love recklessly and forgive without conditions.  We have to CHOOSE to accept love fearlessly and accept forgiveness without protestations.  Even though we know it’s unfair.

And WOW is that hard to do.  Like, really hard.

But the good news is, we don’t have to do it by ourselves.  We have the ultimate example of this in Christ:

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”   Romans 5:1-11

 

a part of my soul

Sometimes I wonder why I blog.

Sometimes I worry that the only reason I do it is for attention.

Sometimes I worry that you guys think that, too.

Because being seen - it's a small part of this deeper thing that we all crave - being known.  And I think there's a healthy want of this, and a not-so-healthy one.  I want to be in that first category.

To be known is a deep longing in all of us - weaved into our very natures since the beginning of time. Think about it - God Himself is relationship - and since we're created in His image, it's no wonder we long for this.

But because we're sinful, fallen human beings, living in a post-Fall world (which means everything that was originally good got twisted into something it was never meant to be), we confuse our longing for relationship with our longing for approval.  We buy into the lie that the attention and approval of man is not just good, but necessary for our happiness.  (A complete and total SHAM.)  And once we believe this, we begin to operate under this idea and everything we do is affected.  Including the way and reasons why we share about our lives.  I'm almost always an extremely open person when it comes to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas, hopes, and struggles.  But lately I've been asking myself - why?  What is motivating me to be so "honest?"  What is it that I really want here?

I want to believe that this place I've crafted, here in this small corner of the internet, probably seen by only a small few, is here for a reason bigger and better than, "Hey, look at me!"  I want to believe the creation of this blog had a deeper, more beautiful purpose.  Or even if it didn't back then, that it does now.

I don't just want people to see me.  I want people to see me and know me and "these songs I sing" - so that they might be known, too.  Maybe you reading this blog and seeing where I struggle and Who I hope in - maybe that will be healing to you somehow.

I want this blog to reveal a part of my soul that you probably wouldn't be able to see otherwise.  I mean, I can't have 3-hour coffee dates and pour my heart out over tall caramel mochas with everyone.  But here - here in this little corner of mine, filled with words and stories and an honesty so purposeful and scary that sometimes I almost don't do it - here I can give you little pieces of what you would hear if you were sitting across from me at a coffee shop, sipping your iced latte and listening kindly to my ramblings, or what you would see if you were a fly on the wall in my room after a long week, or in my family's kitchen when we're all home from work, or a page in my journal.  If you were any of these places, you'd see a part of my soul that not everyone does.  But you can't be.

So here's to sharing our souls via words on a page.  Words meant to be more than pretty.  Words meant to be true and real and honest.  So that we might be known - together.

the best day

A few mornings ago, my mom came into my room.  I had just woken up and was still a little groggy.  She had a question for me.

"Syd, do you want to go see Shrek in Milwaukee with Dad on Saturday?  It's almost sold out, but there are a few tickets left.  Would you like to go?"

I hesitated.  I was so tired, I could barely process general information, let alone such a cool offer.  Plus, this was looking to be the first free Saturday for me in a long while, and I was looking forward to staying home and doing nothing all day.  Another drive up to Milwaukee on my day off?  In my grogginess I replied, "I don't know, maybe. I need to think about it, I guess."

Thankfully, after thinking about it for a little while, I was hit by how stupid it would be to pass up such a cool opportunity.  First of all, my mom was so kind to think of this for me.  She knew that I'd been hoping to see it, but had quietly given up on the idea due to my crazy schedule.  But she found a way to make it happen.  That is so like my mom - to see my quiet desires and make things happen for me, even when I don't ask for any of it.  It's a picture of what Christ does for us.  Also, this wasn't just a chance to see a great show, but to spend a day in Milwaukee with my dad.  He and I hadn't had a daddy-daughter date in a long time, and after a few especially difficult weeks, this was exactly what my weary heart needed.

A few nights later the three of us sat in the living room, Mom at the computer reserving the tickets, and Dad and I on the couch chatting eagerly about where we should go to dinner.  I was getting more and more excited.  This was going to be wonderful.

So, this afternoon, Dad and I hopped in the car and drove up to my favorite city. 

We were going to my favorite part of Milwaukee - the Historic Third Ward - and to a theatre that was filled with memories from long ago, where I had performed with First Stage in Seussical  back in 2006 - my first experience with that beautiful show (that would lead to 4 more and counting).

We got into the theatre and the buzz was infectious.  Little kids everywhere, and chatter and excitement filling the space.  I sat down and took it all in - it was like coming back home, both to this space, and to theatre in general.  Sometimes I forget how passionate I am about this art form and the capacity it has to touch and change lives.  Having seen the show on Broadway in Chicago a few years ago (and having loved it), I was excited and curious to see what they would do with such a large-scale musical in such a small-scale space.  I also knew a few of the people involved, as the title role was being played by a professor from Carthage, and three recent Carthage grads were also in the cast and crew.  I flipped through my program and waited eagerly for the show to begin.

 

The show was fantastic - both Dad and I were so impressed with the vocal talent, character work, and technical aspects.  The set and costumes were so incredible, and the quality of the production as a whole was just so good.  I smiled and laughed the entire show.  (I mean, when you've got a song about burping and farting... this show does not disappoint, let me tell you.)

 

While Dad and I were really excited to see the show - we were also really looking forward to dinner!  He had recommended a place called "Pizza Man" that he remembered from his college days in Milwaukee.  Apparently it had burned down years ago, but they rebuilt it to be even better.  We looked at the menu and some pictures online before we went and it looked like a really cool place, so we decided to go.  Also, we're Roviks, which means we never fail to get excited about a good pizza place.

 

As we drove through downtown Milwaukee to get to the restaurant, I was reminded how much I love city life.  The hustle and bustle, the lights, the people - the energy is really something.

 

 

 When we got to the restaurant, it was packed, and there was an hour and 25 minute wait. But we were both committed and wanted to stick to the plan, so we decided to wait it out at a Starbucks right down the street.  Pre-dinner coffee certainly couldn't hurt.

 



Dad ordered a spiced apple cider, and I got a caramel mocha, and we sat and talked together.  It was such a sweet time with him, discussing life and theatre and faith and theology and redemption.  We got excited about heaven together, and I was reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness to me.

 

Soon, Dad's phone buzzed (It was the restaurant texting us to let us know our table was ready - Yay for 21st century technology!) and we ran back to "Pizza Man" together in the light, drizzly rain.

 

We looked through the menu and quickly decided what pizza to order.  As we waited, we continued to chat and enjoy the super cool atmosphere.  It's a really neat place!

 

Look at this awesome chandelier made of colored bottles!  It hangs above the landing of the stairwell - the restaurant has two floors, and we were sitting upstairs. So cool!

 

Also, the silverware was HUGE. Like, for real. It was as long as the diameter of the plate!

 

Dad snapped this picture of me - clearly I was excited to eat some pizza! (Note the super cool chandelier behind me.)

 

 

Then - the pizza came. It. was. delicious.

 







 

(Again, notice the crazy large silverware.)

 

After much pizza consumption, we left, with stomachs and hearts full.  We headed back to our car - thankfully the rain had stopped. 





 

As we drove home, I was filled with gratefulness for such a fun day with my dad.  I was so glad God worked it out for us to have this special day together, and so thankful that He didn't leave me in my grogginess and indecision.  If He had, I would have missed out on a whole lot of beauty.

 

Thanks, God.  Today was wonderful.  And it was all from You.









filled with hope

Have you ever been over-stimulated?

Like, your day was FULL.  And not of bad things - good things!  In the middle of it all, you were smiling, laughing, soaking in each moment and its richness, and feeling thankful for what you have and where you are.

But then, it hits you.  That overwhelmed feeling.  That, "This is good, but wow my head is spinning from it all," kind of feeling.

That hit me today, as I left a long, fun, colorful weekend of musical rehearsals and headed off to the next part of my day - a bridal shower for a new friend.  I arrived and sat down, feeling like 20 deep breaths wouldn't help.  (They probably would have helped some - I should have tried it.)  I was also really tired.  "I could literally fall asleep on the floor right now," I joked to a friend.  Truthfully, I don't think that was too far from the truth!

Then, a sweet woman who I'd recently gotten to know and who was sitting at the table in front of me turned around and greeted me with the sweetest smile and happiest voice.  I took her hand and squeezed it affectionately.  I hadn't seen her in a while and had forgotten how much I appreciated her demeanor and heart.  "How *are* you??" she asked me with great interest.  "You have a lot going on right now, don't you!?"

We proceeded to chat about my crazy schedule as of late --- and I was just so encouraged.  Our conversation lifted up my weary heart and soothed my anxious soul.

"Oooh, why??" you ask may be wondering.  "What did she say to touch your spirit so??"

Well, my answer for you may not be what you'd expect.

First of all - she was excited to ask and hear about me.  She was genuinely interested about what was going on in my life, even after knowing me for only a short time.  Second, she not only asked, but also made observations, and affirmed me.  That is, she seemed to already know a lot of what I was going to say.  Perhaps she follows me on Facebook, or reads my blog, or has chatted with other women that know more of my current situation.  Truthfully, I don't really even know how she was so aware of my life.  But she was.  And it touched me.  It felt so good.  It was so affirming and comforting and just really wonderful - to be known. And not just known, but valued - because she wanted to know more, and took the time to find out.

And then, third, as I continued to share, and began to uncover just a little of some of the more raw parts of my soul - she related to me so well.  I didn't even have to go into much detail before her kind eyes smiled back at me and from her mouth came kind, gentle, and unassuming words of encouragement and companionship.

I use that word - companionship - because that's what she was to me in our moments together today - a companion. A friend. A fellow woman.  She spoke with me, not to me, and with a kindness and respect and understanding that was so meaningful to me and really touched my heart.  And when I say "understanding," I don't mean that she spoke this like heady, wise stuff into my life.  I mean that she communicated to me that she understood what I was going through, *without ever having to say "Ohh, I understand."*  She just made me know that she understood and related by her demeanor and tone and facial expressions and other choices of words.

And she didn't preach at me - not once.  She encouraged - she spoke wisdom - but not in a, "Oh, honey, just do this and you'll be fine," kind of way.  She didn't give me some quick, Christian-ese answer.  She never once told me what to do.  Rather, she spoke wisdom through her gentleness.  She demonstrated wisdom in the care she took in her replies.  She chose to be a friend and just relate with me.  She had joy and excitement about what is good in my life right now, and she responded with sweetness and hope to the things that have been rough lately.

Maybe that's what it was - the hope she exuded.  I think sometimes we forget that hope can be communicated with more than just words.  Or even perhaps without words at all.  It's one thing to tell someone, "Everything will be alright."  It's entirely another for your whole being to exude that.  For everything about you to say, "There is hope."  Because you believe it.  Oh, how often does my mouth say "there is hope" and my heart believes it not!  But her heart did.  She was filled with hope.  Hope was in her, and it radiated out of her like sunshine on a cloudy day.  It made me close my umbrella of fear, shake off the water droplets of worry, and look up at the sky and see that it wasn't so gray after all.

I am so grateful for my encounter with her today.  I was anxious, running on empty, and ready to burst into tears after a day that had been good, but just a bit too much.  Walking into the church and seeing all the women, the last thing I wanted to do was put on my "I've got everything together" face and make conversation.  I was a quiet mess.  And this sweet woman met me there.  She poured into me the peace and love I needed to go on.  She communicated the message: "Oh darling, you are known, and life is still beautiful and good.  You are going places that are good and exciting, and I'm excited for you.  Someday you will see how where you are right now was exactly right.  And darling - your time will come."  Her joy for me gave me joy for myself.  Her understanding and encouragement about my busy-ness and accomplishments made me feel validated and brave.  Her peace about what lies ahead gave me peace about what lies ahead.  Her restraint from treating me like a problem to be solved or a case to be examined and diagnosed, and her decision to love me so well despite my imperfections - all in about 10 minutes time - was balm to my dry and weary soul.

So, thank you so much sweet friend.  You cared for me today in a way that I was not expecting, and I am so grateful to you.

And to you, dear reader - remember this: When you encounter someone who is dry, over-stimulated, weary, burdened, in need - remember that they don't need you to fix them.  They don't need you to give them the answer to all their problems and worries.  (And even if they did, you couldn't give that to them, anyway.)  Oh no, the best thing you can do for them is listen, relate, and care about them, and the best thing you can give them is hope.  And I'm not talking about the preachy kind - but the lived-out kind.  Meet them where they are, love them, let them share, and show them through your hope the hope that's to be found in Jesus - our Only Hope.

go back go back

I remember the day it started.

It was a beautiful November morning. I walked into the tiny room, hoping like I always did that I was in good form and that progress would be made.  And I was.  And it was.  And it felt great.  I was in such a good place and it was exciting.  All my hard work was paying off.

And then the words came.

"Okay, so let's talk. You are sounding really good.  These kinds of roles will be great for you.  But if you want to play them - you'll need to get in better shape.  You need to lose 20 pounds."

The words rolled off her tongue like nothing.  And they hurt.  A lot.

I went from feeling so accomplished to feeling so defeated.  I wasn't what I should be.  As I was, right in that moment, I was not enough.

It was also my birthday.

Fast forward to about one year later.  Same room, same purpose - get better at this thing that will very likely be my livelihood.  I was tired - I had just run from an hour of dancing to this, and was operating under little sleep.  It was the middle of the semester, and my plate was full - like always.  It was only a make-up, so I sang through my rep quickly and braced myself for the comments.  I knew they were coming.  But I didn't know how brutal they'd be.

"Okay, let's talk. You look pale. And you say you're in all these dance classes, but they're not helping.  You're not taking care of yourself.  You need to stop doing so much for other people and take care of you."

I was stunned.  Who was she to tell me how to live my life?  I wasn't here for this.

But typical me, I smiled, and tried to bear it with grace. (read: I let her walk all over me.)  And I also started to wonder if perhaps she was right.

I left, frustrated and confused and hurt once more.  I still wasn't enough.

Fast forward a few more months.  My room, long past my bed time.  Me, in the thick of the struggle - staring at my foreign reflection - grappling with the anxiety - and wondering where *I* had gone, and how I'd wound up in this terrible place.

It was a lonely place, ugly and dark, marked by anxiety and secrets.

It certainly didn't happen overnight.  Oh no, it had to have happened gradually - over time.  And over time, it escalated.  Now it was so bad - I couldn't leave my house without going through a rigorous process in front of the mirror.  I had dug myself into a hole, and I had no idea how - or if - I could get myself out.

At the time, my life had changed form a bit, and now there was a newer, kinder, and very thoughtful voice speaking and asking hard questions - "What's going on here?" he asked - But I couldn't handle it.  I was too raw.  I was still in the thick of it.  I was still on the battlegrounds, but totally unaware that I needed to pick up a sword and start fighting.  So the words - though they were spoken with love and care - pierced me, and wounded my pride.  I felt embarrassed and undesirable.  I'd been trying so hard to be put together, to be right, to be worthy - but in reality I was all wrong.  I was building a balloon house on a paper foundation.  All it took were the winds of care and the needle of help to knock down my unstableness and deflate my false sense of security.

I wish I had seen was what was happening at the time.  But I didn't.  It took me a long time after that to realize I was wrong - my choices, my thought process, my heart.  All of it.  Totally wrong.

And recently, I realized why.

I believed the lies.

You see - it is all about what you believe.  And I mean really believe - with your whole heart.  Those beliefs motivate and instruct your daily choices and habits.  And mine were getting really bad.

This world is going to tell you all kinds of things - things that, if you're not rooted and grounded in truth, you will be all too receptive to.  You will hear them and not even realize you should be fighting them off - let alone what strategies to use to do that.  You will be rendered helpless by the brutal attacks on your appearance, your worth - your identity.  Believing the lies will paralyze you.

And I believed.  I believed it all so blindly that my body, heart, and soul were ALL damaged in the believing.

And here I am, years later, standing in the ruins, picking up the pieces, trying to find the remains of the girl I used to be.  I find little pieces here and there - and there are probably more - but right now they are so hard to see.  Because they are buried.  Buried under years of secrets and lies and guilt and shame and plucking and powdering and lining and shaping and covering and covering and covering and covering...

Will I ever find her?  Will I ever get her back?  Oh, those are questions I ask myself everyday.

And if I do, will she be strong enough to change her ways, and wise enough to start listening to the truth, not the lies?  Will she go back to the ancient past and latch her heart to the ancient mast and hold on for dear life to the Hope that so desperately wants to take a hold of her and never let her go?

I can hear Him whispering.... Go back.... Go back.... You'll find your Way. You'll find Me - The Way. Just go back....

you did it

We sat across from each other in the coffee house, our eyes not quite meeting, feeling watched by all the people around us.  I held my hot cup of chai tea and tried to smile. He was a great guy, but the chemistry just wasn't right.  This was just so awkward, and we both knew it, deep down.

"So I've been thinking about school," he began, after taking a sip of his hot chocolate. "I mean, my mom wants me to go to Moody, but you know I've also been thinking about law school. I mean, I know it's eight years, but I would definitely be able to provide for us that way, and I think that..."

He went on, discussing the options, the expectations, the things that might be beneficial for me.

But never once did he mention what HE wanted.

Now, I knew what that was.  He had briefly mentioned it a few other times before.  It was his real dream, and I knew it.  But he couldn't admit it.  He was very kind, deeply generous, and thoughtful.  He put everyone else before himself.  And I admired that.  But this was one of those rare times when that wasn't actually the right or healthy thing to do.  He just couldn't see it.

"... and where I go to school is important because if it's far away then how could we -"

I finally interrupted. "Stop. What do YOU want?" I looked right at him and kept his gaze.  This was important.

He look back at me, both surprised by my interruption and afraid to answer my question.

I repeated my question. "What do YOU want?  Not what your mom wants, or what you think I want you to want, or what you think is potentially good for us. YOU. What do YOU want?"

He took a breath and shyly stated, "I want to be a commercial airline pilot."

"Then do it." I said.

"But I - " he tried to interject.

"Do it! You can do this! If you want to be a commercial airline pilot, you go and be a commercial airline pilot.  Do what you love.  Chase your dream - not someone else's."

After a long pause, he responded.

"Okay." He smiled and took another sip of his hot chocolate, and we sat together in silence.


It wasn't another week before we broke up.  But even after parting ways, I always believed in him.  I knew that as long as he kept fighting for what HE wanted, he could do it.  And as the years went by, and I watched the updates from afar, I saw a man who was fighting for what he wanted.  And he was winning.

And then today, as I scrolled down the webpage, the update of all updates apeared. My eyes got larger and my heart skipped a beat.  There it was.  He had done it.

You did it, friend. You did it. I am so proud of you and happy for you.  I always knew you could. From afar, my heart celebrates with yours.  I know God will use you and your gifts to bring glory to His name.

So proud.  So happy.  Friend, you did it.