Monday, January 5, 2015

on fresh starts

Hi there! It's been a while hasn't it? My last post was nearly 3 months ago. What have I been up to??

Well, teaching, teaching, more teaching, choreographing, the holidays, and a small time in bed due to sickness.

And now it is January. 2015. A new year.

A fresh start.

Well... it didn't feel like that for me this year. Not until today.

Why? Well, my New Year began with a terrible cold and a bitter disappointment. It started, not with grand intentions and proud declarations, but with a weepy time journaling, praying that God would somehow bend and break me to His Will, when I felt like He was stripping me of the most beautiful things.

Getting sick meant missing out on a beautiful day of music and adventures with a dear friend, and it also meant several days in bed, doctoring my sore throat and dreadful sinus pressure, and losing time to work on the things I should have done before break.

And then, just when I thought I was doing better in some sin struggles, I fell AGAIN, and I was so frustrated with myself and angry at the "fresh start" I very much wasn't having. I got before God and asked His forgiveness and help, but I felt very defeated.

But then today, something amazing happened.

I finally started reading The Gospel Primer, the book my church is reading devotionally together throughout the month of January. I got out my Bible and my journal and the book and a pen and I set to it. But just as I was getting started, one of my dogs came upstairs, whining like he had to go out.

I pulled on my robe, found my slippers, and headed downstairs with him.

But when we got downstairs, and I prodded him to come outside, he wouldn't go. He just laid down next to our other dog in our living room.

I looked around, and saw a beautiful display. The Christmas tree - our first real tree ever - lit up and beautiful. The white/gray haven outside the big picture window. And two sleepy dogs, who just wanted my presence. They didn't need to go outside. They just wanted to be with me.

So I went quickly back upstairs, pulled on a pair of stripey socks, grabbed a blanket and all my books, and headed down to sanctuary I had nearly missed.

There I sat, in our old tattered rocking chair, a giant pink fuzzy blanket to keep me warm, gospel truths pouring into my heart via the books in my lap, and the beautiful atmosphere warming my heart.

As I "Mmmed" and underlined, and journaled out some prayers, a wonderful song a friend recently told me about played over and over in my head....

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now, I stand beside you, I'm all around you..... Come to Me, I'm all you need, Come to Me, I'm your everything... Do not look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on Me....

And as I looked up, and saw outside the beautiful newly fallen and long anticipated snow, blanketing everything in the most perfect of whites, I couldn't help but think, "This is it. This is my fresh start."

My new year didn't start at midnight on January 1st. It didn't begin with gallant decisions. It began with the breaking of my will. It began with weeping because I couldn't bear to lose such a day. It began with more weeping because the pain was too great for me to bear. It began with disgust for my sin, and the desire to truly repent. It began there, in the quiet haven of my living room, as I took in all the beauty that surrounded me and thought, "I nearly missed this."

Dear reader, I don't know how your new year started out, and I don't know what your hopes and goals are. But I do know this - if you ask God to bend and break you to His Will - He will listen, and He will do it. And it will be painful and frustrating and scary and at times even heart-wrenching.

But it will never be wrong. God's leading in your life can never, and will never be wrong.

And you will never be alone. God will be with you through it all. Wherever you go, what you do, more than you know, He will be there.

I saw this tweet the other day and it struck me. E.M. Welcher wrote, "Let me be your friend for a minute: 2015 is going hurt too. You're going to need Jesus again this year. All year."

We tend to get really mushy gushy about new years. Like, "2015, be good to me!" And, "I know this year is going to be great!" Or we get cocky about it. We plan and resolve and think everything it going to be better, simply because it's January 1st. And listen, I'm all about thinking positive and setting goals and looking forward to new and beautiful things! But I appreciate Welcher's reminder. Even in your best year - you're going to need Jesus.

And don't forget that Jesus is near because He loves you and knows that you need Him near.

This Christmas season I heard not one but two very good sermons focused on God dwelling with us. And it was so encouraging, and also sort of attention grabbing to me. I mean, I've heard that before - Jesus being Immanuel - "God With Us" - but I just couldn't help but wonder if God was trying to drum something important into me this year:

Sydney.... I am WITH you.

You see friends, fresh starts and new beginnings are wonderful, but they aren't possible without God, His work, and His nearness. God breaking us down, bending our wills, making us holy, and dwelling ever so near to us.

So, welcome Him in, and breathe in His nearness tonight. Offer up your fresh start. Surrender your gallant plans. Take your will and make it HIS. He just wants to be with you.

Go to Him. He's all you need.



Come to Me, Bethel Music Feat. Jenn Johnson
 
 
"Don't look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on Me..."




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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

bitter

Today was a fight to peel off bitterness, layer by layer.

Some days it's really easy to be gracious. To think of others. To keep a healthy perspective.

Other days (like today for me), I gather every reason to be bitter, to feel superior, to feel justified in my anger and frustration, and sort of sit in it all for a while.

I didn't deserve to go through that.

That person doesn't deserve to be blessed.

Leave me alone.

I'm better than this.

I'm better than them.

And if I'm not careful, bitterness leads quickly to hatefulness and spite.

I hope everything goes wrong for that person.

I hope they get nothing they want.

I hope she realizes how wrong she is.

I hope he has to pay for that later.

It's a fight. Have you ever felt it? Those days when your pride is pricked and old wounds are opened up, and hour after hour it's just one big fight to reclaim your day and remember what is true.

I'm so thankful for a friend who sat and Facebook chatted with me today and let me sort of throw it all out there and be honest about what was bothering me. It was especially helpful and encouraging when she shared an example of bitterness she's wrestling with in her own life. It was such a soothing reminder that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one dealing with hurt and anger and pride and just feeling bitter. And neither are you.

I'm not going to preach at you tonight, reader, and tell you all the reasons you and I shouldn't be bitter. We both know that ultimately there's something wrong in our hearts, something we've gotta get right - and that's between us and Jesus. For now, let me just soothe our anxious, bitter hearts with the reminder that God sees. And knows. And understands. And loves us, in spite of ourselves.

Let Him make it right tonight.
 
--------------------------

"If I got unforgiveness in my heart, then there really ain't no room for love,
Plus it's stupid cause, I've been so forgiven,
That if I hold a grudge, I don't show He's risen,
But I know my sin's removed since Jesus came,
With no reason to forgive me but He did so I do the same...

...Jesus forgave the ones that pinned him up on that cross as he was hanging from it,
Holy Spirit, teach me to be just like the Son,
Remove the roots of bitterness don't stop until your work is done"

Andy Mineo, Bitter

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Thursday, September 25, 2014

late September

Why are you afraid?

It’s 3am and I’m not asleep, the Word document glaring bright white in the darkness of my room, filled with words that I hope will give me some sort of clarity as I spill them out.

Are you really afraid, or are you just remembering?

I see, feel, smell, remember something and bite my lip as the back of my throat reminds me that if I keep this up I will cry any second. I’m crying so easily these days, and in front of people! I never used to be able to do that. I guess a chord has been struck. I feel everything more deeply and genuinely than I did before. And I’ll admit that sometimes I kind of like it. To be able to connect with what I’m actually feeling so quickly. I couldn’t always do that. I’m especially thankful for the genuine part. I so admire genuine people, and I desperately want to be one. But sometimes it's really hard, because remembering’s hard.

The ways it was beautiful, mixed in with all the ways it wasn’t.

I know I found "a good thing” “there in the rubble of the heart that died.” I cried as God in His compassion showed me over and over again how beautiful and right things really are. I remember when I realized that He was heaping blessing on me even as I was running from Him. It's just that sometimes, I forget.

Are you really afraid, or have you just forgotten?

Isn't God so patient with us, even when we forget what He's done, and what He's doing? What is it that you need to remember today?  

And then there's the beauty – the beauty of what’s coming someday. My heart leaps, and I think to myself, I want it, I want it so badly, and I think I'm finally ready.

It's late September, and the air is crisp and clear, carrying pieces of the past and an expectancy for tomorrow, whispering nostalgia and shouting newness. And I’m just breathing it all in, remembering, and waiting.
 

 
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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

just trust me

"It's mine." I whisper, as I hold my dream behind my back for no one to see, and no one to take.

Oh, but He sees, and He could take it away in a second. In fact, He's the one that's really holding it anyway. I like to consider it to be in my hands, but that really isn't very true.

"Dear One,"  He speaks softly, "I have something so much better for you. But you have to let go of that thing you're holding first."

 I bristle at the thought and take a few steps back. I consider running but I know I have no place left to go. At least not any place worth going.

"But,"  I start, barely speaking above a whisper, "if you take this, I'll have nothing left. I'll be alone."

"Will you?"  He kneels before me, gets right on my level. "Am I going somewhere?"

I don't have an answer. I just cling to my dream, heavy in my hands behind me.

"Am I not enough?"  He looks me straight in the face, and I can hardly keep His gaze.

"You are."  I stammer. "It's just that I... I want this. How am I supposed to let go? How can I know you won't forget me?"

"I promise you, Dear One. I will never forget you."

I slowly bring my dream out from behind me and hold it close to my chest. It feels lighter than it did before, now that it's in front of Him. I try to loosen my grip and whimper, "But I love it, God."

He reaches out his hand and speaks three words: "Just trust me."


 
 
 
 
 
 
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comfort foods

I wrote this a few days ago. I haven't posted a piece like this in a while. Here's to beauty and honesty in the every day....

The thunder cracked outside my window, and I smiled. It was a comforting sound today. It felt good to know the weather was dreary and aching, just like me. I couldn't have handled a sunny day when everything inside me was the contrary.

Good questions via Facebook chat at 11pm last night. Good, hard questions. Is this really what you want? Is this really how you would want this to start out? Haven't you been through this before?

Work emails at 2pm. Something inside me shudders and shies away. Why? Don't I love this?

Apple pie goes in the oven. I bought it three weeks ago as a backup for something else, but never used it. Today it's the perfect fit, as it's no longer hot enough outside to cook eggs on the sidewalk, and the oven won't make the house painfully warm. I break every rule I know and listen to a favorite Christmas song. I'm longing for December.

I'm longing for comfort today, aching in the waiting and the wanting. I'd forgotten what it feels like, to make a hard decision, to be alone alone, not just pseudo alone.

To say no to the things that keep me from truly letting go. To jump.

Leaping into a season of walking by myself. I've done it before, but never like this. Never of my own will.

Chicken, rice, and pie on the stove. Comfort foods. Today, I'll take it.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Tweet-worthy Tuesday: Eat Carbs While You Can

Aaaaaaand here's a TWT to end the night. #justforyouElisa :)
















(Shout out to Fernando Ortega for having the most unexpectedly funny Twitter handle. Ever.)


Happy Tweeting, Y'all!

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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

a journey through the psalms: psalm 1

Early this morning, I made a decision.

I made a decision to stop doing things my way, and start doing things God's way.

Lately, I've been really struggling with trust. Trust in God and who He is, and what He's doing in my life, and His ability to provide me with everything I need. His ability to satisfy me.

And I'm going to be honest - this distrust? Yeah... it got ugly. Because I wasn't satisfied in my Jesus, I was turning to all kinds of other things to fill me up.

But let me tell you: None of it worked. None of it.

And this morning the Spirit moved in my heart for some real change.

I journaled and prayed and asked God to come empower me to make these changes. And I believe that He is here and moving in my heart, and helping me every step.

A few of these big changes include getting serious about being in my Bible, and praying about all things - I struggle with these two things more that I can tell you.

And I decided that based on where my heart is right now, it's time for a journey, a journey through the book of Psalms. I'm so excited!!

And I thought - why not blog through this journey? I mean, I have the time, and I think it will help keep me accountable, and hopefully encourage others. I don't know if this will look like daily blogs, or weekly, or semi-weekly, or what... I'm still figuring that part out. But for now, I'm just excited to start!

So, here we go! Let's journey through the Psalms together. And what better place to start than the beginning?



Psalm 1

1 Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

4 The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.


I love how the Psalms start, with a call to put God's Word first, and to get it rooted in your heart. I want to be blessed. I want to be like that tree, planted right by the water, yielding good fruit at just the right time, not withering, but prospering in all that I do - not in some prosperity gospel way, but in God's way. Because I think prospering doesn't always mean "physical success and material blessing," though I do believe God gives good gifts to His children in this form often. I think what prospering really means is thriving, in good seasons and bad, in the easier times and the more difficult times, because of Who you're rooted in.

So Lord, I pray you would root me in You this morning. Thank You for Your Word and it's truth. There is so much goodness to be basked in, here in Your Word, and here in Your presence. I love what my friend Abby prayed often at camp: "Lord, we love Your nearness." Yes, Lord, we do! And we long for Your nearness. Come dwell near to us, and root us in Your Word. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Let's keep basking in the goodness of God's Word together, friends. Happy Wednesday!





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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Tweet-worthy Tuesday: Surrounded by Stories

Hi friends! Are you enjoying this rainy August Tuesday as much as I am? If you're like me, you ran out and got some Chinese take-out and munched on egg rolls while watching Curious George and Arthur. Did you know Yo-yo Ma, Art Garfunkel, and Mr. Rogers attended their third grade musical to celebrate Elwood City? But I digress...

Here's a TWT for your reading pleasure!






































Now go enjoy the rest of this special day! I'm off to enjoy a Starbucks and TMNT date with my sister. Happy tweeting!
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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Tweet-worthy Tuesday: I'm Not a Rabbit

It's a TWT! What?? Yuuuus.

(Note/Confession: I may have retweeted some "Common Black Girl" Tweets, because I may or may not think I'm a black girl sometimes.  Do what you want with that.)











(That's the cornfield behind my church. Andrew Peterson instagramed it. Andrew Peterson was at my church. Holy wow.)


(And it was GREAT :) )

















Keep tweeting creative, funny, and uplifting things, friends!


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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Tweet-worthy Tuesday: Sweet Tea & Signs of Grace


Hi friends! I thought I'd change it up a bit and give you a TWT with a different focus. Enjoy!























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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

All I Do Is Win? - Thoughts On Living In A "Even The Losers Get Trophies" Culture


Those of you who read my blog consistently (maybe like, 4 people --- Hi, Mom) probably know that I'm a summer camp counselor. And you also probably know that I LOVE it. It's my favorite job in the history of the world. (Not an exaggeration.) Every summer I am blown away by the talent and kind hearts these kids bring to camp, and I walk away from every week of camp with nuggets of wisdom (usually from the kiddos!) and my heart changed in some way. And also lots of pictures of me and my team covered head to toe in a particular color for team spirit day. All in all, camp is more often than not one positive experience after another, and I leave with my heart filled with joy.

But sometimes stuff happens at camp that makes me stop in my tracks and think, "Why is this happening? This isn't right." Recently I had an experience like this.

See, at camp, we award points throughout the week as an incentive to behave, practice their lines (it's a theater camp), respect and encourage one another, and just work hard overall. At the end of every day we tally up the points and declare a winning team, who then get popsicles. (You'd be surprised how easily satisfied kids can be, even by small things like freezy pops.) We counselors pay close attention and provide lots of opportunities for the campers to earn points and do our best to discourage unhealthy behavior when it comes to the idea of competition. We highly encourage good sportsmanship and are quick to reign things in when they get out of hand.

And usually, this system works great. The kids have fun, and we see positive results both in their performance on Friday and their character development throughout the week.

But sometimes we see flare ups. Occasionally we'll deal with parents who approach us and ask why *their* child didn't get a popsicle. We explain our point system to those who are new to camp, and usually they go, "Oh, okay, cool." (I should mention that while we keep this very hush-hush with the campers, we make sure that every team wins at least once throughout the week. We aren't trying to be mean tyrants here.)

But sometimes, we get angry parents, who walk up to us demanding to know why their child didn't get a popsicle, and sometimes they even ask us to give them one for their kid anyway. Sometimes their child will be at their side, bawling their eyes out because they didn't win. Sometimes, even after we kindly but firmly explain our system and rules, the parents are STILL mad.

And it makes me stop and wonder: What is wrong with this picture?

I mean, while we could easily provide freezy pops for every camper every day, we'd be missing the point of the whole thing.

I'm going to suggest something that maybe will be uncomfortable to some people:

Everybody can't win all the time.

Maybe I lost a few readers there, but if you're still here, allow me to expound on this truth:

In life, there are going to be times when you win, and times when you lose. When you win, you have every right to feel good about what you accomplished, and to humbly (please notice that word) celebrate.  And rewards? Those are GOOD things. Imagine a world where we didn't reward winners. It wouldn't make winning very meaningful, would it?

Oh wait.... We DO live in a world like that.

I mean, you've seen it.  The softball tournaments where even the losing teams get trophies? The academic and arts competitions that have a winner, a runner up, a second runner up, a third runner up, and about 15 honorable mentions?

It gets to the point where it's like, "What are we even DOING here?"

I have a question: Why are we so scared of rewarding winners?

And I don't mean rewarding everyone. Because let me say again: Not everyone is a winner all the time.

But why can't we just let there be one winner - one winning team - one group of kids that get freezy pops?  What are we afraid is going to happen?

And also: Why are we terrified of losing?

Why do we struggle SO MUCH with winning and losing as a culture? Why do we have livid parents demanding popsicles at summer camp? It doesn't make sense.


SOME THOUGHTS ON WINNING

I think we need to gain a more healthy perspective about winning.

First of all - it's not the end all be all.

Winning is a really good thing, but it won't satisfy you.  The second you make winning at everything an idol, you lose sight of what winning is all about: working hard at something you're passionate about, and seeing excellent results.

Secondly, the whole "coming out on top" part isn't what's important. What really matters is how you played the game.  We say that a lot to people when they lose, but we don't often say it to people when they win. Think about that.

Also, your attitude post-win will almost always match your attitude pre-win. That is, if you're humble beforehand, you probably will be afterwards as well. It's all about where your heart is.


SOME THOUGHTS ON LOSING

It's time for us to stop giving trophies to the team that came in last and popsicles to the kids who didn't memorize their lines. Not just because it doesn't make sense - but also because it communicates a powerfully destructive idea about losing, and people in general: Losing is failure, and people who fail are worth nothing.

This is wrong thinking, of course, but we often aren't brave enough to suggest another alternative, so instead of dealing with losing for what it really is, we cover it up with trophies and popsicles and honorable mentions.  We do everything we can to cover the injury, instead of getting in there and fixing what's actually wrong.

But what is the right perspective on losing? What does it mean to have peace with it? CAN we have peace with it?

Well, first off, I think our fear of losing is aggravated by our culture's obsession with winning and being "the best." We live in a "bigger-better-louder-faster-funnier-give me what I want right now" culture. We photo-shop the men and women on our magazines into impossible shapes and create ridiculous standards for what is considered "the best." We support billion-dollar entertainment industries including sports teams, fiercely compete with our neighbors and friends during football season and the World Cup, and name-call quarterbacks who throw interceptions and center-forwards who miss goals. In many cases, we make it nearly impossible to be successful.

But more than that, when we DO succeed, we rub it in everybody's faces. And when people lose - we jump at the opportunity to make them feel lesser because of it.  And when it's US who lose?? We spend days kicking ourselves and laying on the negative self-talk.

We've forgotten how to be graceful winners, and we've also forgotten how to be confident losers. And it isn't made any easier when we're battered by such a culture as ours.

But secondly, and I think more-so, our fear of losing comes from the insecurities we hide deep inside of us - the fear that our culture makes worse, but didn't create. The fear that we are worthless.

But here's the thing: Losing doesn't equal worthless.

Let that sink in...

Losing or winning at something is NOT what determines our worth.

But that's what we believe. And it terrifies us. (So out come the miniature trophies...)

So here's the big question: If winning and losing doesn't determine our worth, what does?

 
WHO WE ARE: REDEEMED

Once upon a time, each and every one of us was a loser.

A big time, all-out, complete and total LOSER.

We turned away from a Sovereign God who made us and loves us, and we decided to do things *our* way.

And that Sovereign God? He came running after us.

He sent he son Jesus to die the death WE deserved for denying Him, and made a way back to Himself for everyone who will accept it.

And He didn't leave us to figure this out on our own.  He gave us His Word - The Bible - to teach us about Himself and The Way He provided, to encourage us by reminding us of His unfailing love, and to help us know how we can become more like Jesus.

Because you see, THAT is what a true winner is: Someone who has answered the call and is pursuing Jesus daily. Someone who hungers and thirsts for righteousness, and is running after God's heart.

And losing? Losing stops being scary when we remember who we used to be, and who we are now: redeemed children of God, created in His image and bought by His blood. When we were at our ugliest? When we turned from Him? He came and FOUND us, and is making all things new. So we don't have to fear making mistakes or losing at things, because we serve a God who loves us and pursues us and fills us with purpose and worth - win or lose.


So while I can't possibly say all of this to the frustrated parent at camp, or the upset softball team at the championship game, I can do my best to sum it up quickly: Whether we're rewarding a job well done with a popsicle, or consoling the losing team after the big game, we can know this: All of us are known and loved by the same God, and He is the one who defines our worth, win or lose.

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