Friday, January 25, 2013

honesty - a post from the past

I wrote this a while back, probably the end of September.  I was going through a rough season of heartbreak and confusion, and I wasn't trusting God through it.  I didn't post it, partly because I knew it wouldn't be wise for a few reasons... I read it again tonight, and as I thought back to this season and then looked at where I'm at now, I could see God's faithfulness in this tough season. He was walking with me.  And on top of that - He restored my broken-ness and GRACIOUSLY gave me what I was so desperately longing for at the time - a blessing beyond believe that I don't deserve! But - even though I'm in a different place now - I STILL struggle with trusting God.  That's a very real thing for me right now.  And I thought it might be good to share it now, sort of "post-struggle/in a new struggle with trusting God." Because, even though I'm not going through the exact same thing, the heart of what I'm trying to say (to you and to myself!) remains - As Christians we need to be more honest with each other about our struggles and fears.  This kind of honesty can be the catalyst for so much healing. So here it is... a post from the past...

"oh honesty/oh honesty/the truth be told/for the saving of our souls.."
"only the truth and truthfulness/can save us now..."

I love Sara Grove's lyrics - they're so.... honest.

And her song 'Honesty" is, not surprisingly, no exception. :)

It addresses the reality that there are so many things we hide, so many things we just don't share with others because... well, because of lots of things I'm sure, but mostly because we're afraid of people knowing the truth about us. We're afraid that if we're honest and open about our struggles, people will think less of us.

Maybe I should just speak for myself here when I say that I do this!

Recently at school I hid in a bathroom for an hour. Yeah... not my proudest moment. But  "the truth be told," I was scared to face something, so I quite literally ran away and hid.

I know that a lot of people think I've got my life together. And that's not surprising to me. You know why? Because I'm really good at pretending like this is true. 'The truth be told," I actually work at this.

That last post I wrote? The one copied from my journal? Yeah, well, as much as I really did write it all and really did want those things, I haven't implemented any of it, and it's been a month since then. And, "honestly," it's been a tough month.

Why? Well, as long as I'm being honest... This summer was, as I wrote in the last post, wonderful, a beautiful gift from God that I don't thank Him enough for. But it wasn't without it's flaws - - or maybe a better way to put it, considering that when I'm thinking clearly I know God's plans don't have flaws - - would be that it wasn't without it's...unexpected happenings. Wrapped up inside the most beautiful experience I've ever known was a trial - small, I suppose, compared to the horrible things that many people go through daily that I couldn't even begin to understand - but very real, nonetheless. For me, it was, and has been, the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

"here in the hallway/here behind doors/here in the places we wage our private wars.../Oh honesty/Oh honesty.../the truth be told/for the saving of our souls...."

The "private wars" I wage daily circulate around 2 things: my confused and broken heart, and the lack of trust in my Sovereign Creator God. And instead of running into the battle shouting at the top of my lungs: "Yes God! All for You! Even though it hurts, I want You to do what You want in my life!" I've been running away from the battle, my heart and lips asking the same pressing question: "Why God? Can this be right?"

I'm more ashamed of this than I am of hiding in a bathroom for an hour. I've been watching others around me go through hard things and still trust God in the process. I can even account stories of the same type of situation that I find myself in now, that I've either personally witnessed or heard about from other girls, stories of God's faithfulness even when all seemed lost.  But still, something in me whimpers (or screams, depending on my mood), "But all seems lost!"

All is, in fact, not lost. And in my head, I know that. But, "the truth be told," my heart doesn't believe this most days. At least it hasn't for the past month or two.

I feel guilty blogging when I don't have any sound advice for you, reader. But part of me thought, "You know what? Sometimes it's about being honest - not profound. Sometimes it's about opening up and saying, 'I'm not okay.' "

"here in confession/here in our mess/here in the places we're mostly undressed... mostly.../Oh honesty/oh honesty/the truth be told.......

.......for the saving of our souls." -  Such an interesting lyric. Why does she say this? What does she mean? Well, I think she means that, oftentimes, true healing begins when we let people into our struggles, when we finally open up and let someone else see that we're broken.

So, if you haven't yet deduced this: I'm a broken girl with lots of things to give over to Jesus, and lots of things to work on as I start walking with God again. (He's been walking with me this whole time - I'm the one that laid down on the ground kicking and screaming, refusing to go on until He fixed everything - ever done that?)

Honestly... I'm a mess. And I need, more than anything, to trust God and cling to His love as I walk through a season of heartbreak.

And you know what I need from you, dear reader, if I may? "For the saving of my soul," I need some prayer. Prayer that I would, even now, hand the hurt that I'm clinging to so tightly over to Jesus, and start walking with Him, with trust and joy in Him.

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