late September

Why are you afraid?

It’s 3am and I’m not asleep, the Word document glaring bright white in the darkness of my room, filled with words that I hope will give me some sort of clarity as I spill them out.

Are you really afraid, or are you just remembering?

I see, feel, smell, remember something and bite my lip as the back of my throat reminds me that if I keep this up I will cry any second. I’m crying so easily these days, and in front of people! I never used to be able to do that. I guess a chord has been struck. I feel everything more deeply and genuinely than I did before. And I’ll admit that sometimes I kind of like it. To be able to connect with what I’m actually feeling so quickly. I couldn’t always do that. I’m especially thankful for the genuine part. I so admire genuine people, and I desperately want to be one. But sometimes it's really hard, because remembering’s hard.

The ways it was beautiful, mixed in with all the ways it wasn’t.

I know I found "a good thing” “there in the rubble of the heart that died.” I cried as God in His compassion showed me over and over again how beautiful and right things really are. I remember when I realized that He was heaping blessing on me even as I was running from Him. It's just that sometimes, I forget.

Are you really afraid, or have you just forgotten?

Isn't God so patient with us, even when we forget what He's done, and what He's doing? What is it that you need to remember today?  

And then there's the beauty – the beauty of what’s coming someday. My heart leaps, and I think to myself, I want it, I want it so badly, and I think I'm finally ready.

It's late September, and the air is crisp and clear, carrying pieces of the past and an expectancy for tomorrow, whispering nostalgia and shouting newness. And I’m just breathing it all in, remembering, and waiting.